A Freshman's Guide to Screwing the Pooch
Ahhh. I love the sound of matriculation. Especially when it means that I won't be participating in such ceremonies for several years to come. In honor of the new batch of freshman sure to be roaming around campus in the coming months, I thought I would offer them some helpful tips from my seven years of UT wisdom.
Although high school may have taught you reach for the stars, just know that you'll most likely be landing at the moon. I'm terribly sorry that Rice didn't find your failed attempts at last minute bullshit extra curricular activities such as the Environmental Club (if Sarah Palin says global warming isn't real, I'm convinced and so are admissions officers) or NJROTC (boy are you freaks in for a major shock) enough. I'm also terribly sorry your Caucasian identity has caused you so much strife. I know it's hard out there for the racial majority. But anyways, be thrilled, welcome to your fallback school.
Phase 2 Convince yourself you are thrilled to go to UT. College is nothing like those wannabe Abercrombie models want you to believe it's like.
How do I even begin to describe what kind of realistic expectations you should have for your freshman year? Well have you ever seen a show on the CW? Ok, well college isn't like that it's EXACTLY like that. chem labs. Prophase needs you to be fashionable, I mean that Andre Johnson Jersey could be Edward Cullen sitting next to you. And no, that's not sarcasm. It's the absolute truth. Trust me, people give a shit about what you look like in college, especially those RTF majors who may be lurking around the corner Andre Johnson Womens Jersey just waiting to cast you in their student film (which is sure to be the next Juno or Napoleon Dynamite). It could happen to you and I ain't just talking about a shitty Nicolas Cage film.
Phase 3 Quarter Brian Cushing Womens Jersey life crisis/What should I major in?/John Mayer's lyrics are soooo pertinent to my life
And speaking of RTF, that brings me to some of the most invaluable advice I've ever received (besides besides being told by a homeless man that after a while the Taaka burns away the pain sensors in your esophagus) Majoring in theater or Authentic Brian Cushing Jersey film is great way to become famous! That four year degree will have Hollywood on its knees begging to suck your golden teets. Believe you me, I know what I'm talking about, I just haven't found my big break yet.
Phase 4 Brett Fowler izz fckin waisteeeiddd!!!!
Kiddies it's inevitable. You're probably going to be wasted at some point in your college career unless if you're a Campus Crusader that makes the motto "duck and cover" ever so important whilst walking past Jester on your way to class. But since you former Chess Club geeks are probably tasting your first sip of Keystone while the rest of your "popular" high school classmates are on their second DWI for the night, here's some friendly advice for things you should NOT do while intoxicated for the first time:
Talk to girls about how disappointing it was when Starbuck turned out to be a ghost
Proceed to explain the inherent fallacies of the schematic design of Boba Fett's jet pack to the frat boy next to you
Repeatedly say, "Oh my god, I'm soooo drunk" in case if your friends didn't catch it the first five times you told them
Call your ex just to tell them how "over it" you are
Pee outside of Jester (if you're going to pee in public do it the lobby of Dobie, no one will look twice)
Think that making out with a boy named Han Han is in any way, shape, or form a good idea
Pass out in a frat house that's like throwing an atheist in front of the Fox News staff you're bound to get raped one way or another
Phase 5 You mean I actually have to go to class?
Most importantly, remember that college is about your future, and everything you do and obtain in these coming four years will entirely determine the outcome of your life, which will most likely end in complete and utter failure if you don't have at least a 3.9 GPA. No pressure keep on partying hard get a party going (when it's time to party we will always party hard). Always remember that you can never drink too much, even if your body's respiratory response tells you otherwise. Plus, I hear the homeless community has some great street corners available for rent. After all, this is Austin, and it's hard to find a job, even if that job is being homeless.